Bartlett Assigned to Oubliette

ST. PAUL, MN -- The Minnesota Twins today designated Jason Bartlett, unrepentant since his demotion to AAA Rochester, for assignment inside an oubliette at an undisclosed location where team officials vow he will stay for at least 15 days "to think about what he's done."

"Last year we asked him to work on his defense, and we recognize he made some progress there," said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. "I keep hearing about how he hit .382 in camp too, after knocking the ball around pretty good in Rochester last season, and people want to know what the kid has to do to beat out Juan Castro for a job. To them I want to say, performance isn't everything."

Gardenhoggle continued, "Like, there is a right way and a wrong way to put on the Twins uniform. There's a certain way the Shortstop has to signal '2 outs' to the other fielders--you wiggle the pointer finger and the pinkie so there's a clear distinction between 1 and 2 outs. The kid tends to slip into the habit of signaling like he's putting up bunny ears or flashing the peace sign.

"We also have our own way we like to throw the ball Around the Horn. There are shower protocols. Things to remember, like what kind of music gets played in the clubhouse on Tuesdays, and where guys have their seats on the plane," Gardenhoser added.

"You know, who plays poker in the afternoon and who'd rather be left alone to review scouting reports or play GameBoy? It's hard for a youngster to keep it all straight and not step on any toes. Some kids don't seem to appreciate our sense of humor, like the hotfoot or the old peanut-butter-in-the-pants bit. They don't get into the spirit of the joke. The kid will learn, maybe, but he's not there yet."

Bartlett responded before beginning his new assignment, "They said something about learning leadership in Rochester, and wiggling my fingers the Twins Way? I don't know. I tell you what, I think I'm paying for the sins of some guys who came along before me. I know for a fact, I saw Rivas and Guzman get away with [shenanigans] you wouldn't believe--and did they ever get jerked around like this? Did they ever get banished to an oubliette?"

Twins GM Terry Ryan insists the assignment is for the youngster's own good. "We'll give him some time to think, some riddles to solve. Then all he has to do to get out is find his way to the center of the labyrinth, and remember that when we play Around the Horn the Shortstop throws the ball to 1st base, not 2nd base. Trust me, this will make him a better player in the long run.

"Meanwhile, we should consider ourselves blessed to have an experienced veteran like Juan Castro to fill the position again this season. It's guys like that who will make the difference in a pennant race, I'm sure you know. Best couple mil of Carl's money I ever spent, don't you think?"